Resume Suggestions

The resume. It's this big fancy thing that is supposed to guarantee you a job. This is kind of a joke. If people get something like 300 resumes for every job, how can your resume really make a difference? I have come up with a few suggestions, but I would like to note that these are simply suggestions and that any legal actions stemming from the use of these suggestions are in no way my responsibility. 

Be Creative

Want a job with a shoe company, send your resume rolled up in a pair of shoes. Okay that's lame, maybe a shoe cake.  I knew someone in college who created a mini newspaper with articles all about how cool she was. It was part resume, part celebrity mag. I don't know how well it would have worked, I think she ended up getting a job the day before she got it back from the printers. The point is that you just need something to make you stand out. 

Send Food

People love fruit baskets or maybe wine baskets. Brownies are good too. Hey this gives me a great idea, how about a resume made entirely of chocolate ummmmm chocolate (sorry had a Homer Simpson moment). Anything with chocolate makes people think kindly of you.  Unless they're allergic to chocolate. It's important to note people almost never think kindly of someone who gives them hives. Ohh I know, how about one of those giant cookies with your resume in frosting on it. Now that's a tasty resume.  

Don't Lie (Or lie really outrageously)

When I was in advertising class, we learned about this rule, I think it was called puffery, but I may be wrong so don't quote me or anything. Anyhow, what it basically means is that if your lie is so outrageous that no normal person would believe it then it's not really a lie because you're not really fooling anyone, well except really stupid people. 

What this means to you is this. Don't lie about where you went to school. They can easily check this. Do lie about creating the Internet, they can check this too, but who's really gonna go to the trouble. I mean what are they gonna do call Al Gore and ask if you helped him? 

Don't lie about your job title, again this is easily checked. Do lie about your responsibilities, but remember only outrageous lies. For instance, if you worked for the government, maybe you're a maintanance engineer in Sacramento, say you planned important government events. So outrageous that no one will believe it? Maybe. But if they do believe it, you're in. If they don't you can claim it was a joke, because after all who would really believe a janitor had planned a nationwide Fourth of July parade. Now that's one long parade.

Two words - Pretty Paper

These days with most resumes being submitted electronically, a resume submitted on pretty paper can really put you over the top. Well maybe not over the top, but perhaps a pink resume will make some hiring manager smile. Or you could douse it with perfume. Now that would be good. Unless the hiring manager has asthma or allergies. Then they might hate you. Or what if you have horrible taste in perfume like that episode of Leave It to Beaver where Beaver got his mom that awful perfume and she had to wear it. Come to think of it maybe that was another sitcom, but you get the point. Pretty paper good (maybe). Perfume bad. 

In Conclusion 

I'll be honest with you here, if I really knew anything about resumes, I'd be working as a writer instead of temping in a random series of offices. Or maybe I wouldn't. I think the thing that being unemployed has taught me is that there aren't really any perfect answers or sure fire solutions. There's a lot of being in the right place at the right time.  Being just a bit better or more friendly or having something more in common with the interviewer than the guy before you and the girl after you.  It's equal parts skill and luck.

I know that doesn't help, but if you're looking for real advice on how to find a job from a website that celebrates the joys of unemployment, you're kinda in the wrong place. Now if  you want commiseration on how much this whole being unemployed thing sucks then I'm totally the person to talk to.


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