Must Panic - Oops I Mean Must NOT Panic

   I have this thing that happens to me every once I a while. I start to think about the future and then I panic. I have no idea what the future holds for me. I know that no one ever really knows for sure, but I know even less than most people. In a lot of ways I know nothing. The future for me is just a big black hole. I guess I Ďm just being dramatic, but then I have always been a drama queen. What can I say besides ďIím ready for my close up Mr. DeMille?Ē

            Okay, kidding aside the futureís wide open. To be honest that scares the hell out of me. I have no idea what will happen tomorrow or the next day. I like to think of myself as a free spirit, but Iím not really. I like to plan. I like to be prepared. It doesnít really seem like that looking back over my life. I have on occasion made a random split second decision to do something crazy. So maybe in some ways I am kind of a free spirit.

            The best times Iíve ever had, whether wandering around some strange country or wandering around my neighborhood with a carton of ice cream in the middle of the night, have always been random events. Youíd think with that kind of history I would take chances and jump without looking, but I donít because even though things always work out I never believe they will. Maybe Iím just being a pessimist.

            So what should it be? Should I pull a huge cash advance from my credit card and pack up my stuff and my cat and head for parts unknown?  History has shown that generally things work out in a relatively positive way. It has to be better then this mindless day in day out job hunt. Better than spending hours in front of my computer hitting reload on my email page in the hopes that my resume has caught some HR personís eye. Moving sounds like the best idea in the world. So why canít I do it? Now thatís the $64,000 question. 

            It might be worth a chance now to take a leap. Iím relatively unencumbered. No spouse, no kids, no house, no job. Okay now Iím just depressing myself again. If only I could figure out what holds me back. Is it because Iíve been out of work so long? Is it all those jobs that never became permanent even though they were supposed to? Or is it just that deep down Iím a slacker. Iím an easy-way-out type of girl. The right path is always the path of least resistance? All right, I think Iím all out of clichťs now.

            You know what, Iím gonna do it. Absolutely, definitely, probably, well, maybe. But if anyone knows of a good job for me anywhere in the US let me know and maybe Iíll finally just close my eyes and jump. 



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