From the Litterbox
I write today from the secret place, the only place I am truly safe from Jeeves treachery. I am under the bed and here I shall remain until Jeeves gives up on the current foolish notion. As I'm sure all my fellow felines know, humans are unpredictable. Just this morning I was sitting in the sun next to Jeeves, who was reading the paper when Jeeves looked down at me and muttered the B word. The word that strikes fear into every cats soul. Yes my fellow felines, Jeeves told me I needed a BATH
Oh I remember the last bath. The soap, the water, and there was blood everywhere. Of course it was Jeeves blood, but I have a delicate constitution and the sight of blood tends to make me nauseous, so it was a difficult experience for me. Anyhow, I think I may have avoided the dreaded bath for today. I think it might be safe to venture out now. After all I haven't eaten in four hours, which I assure you is a record of sorts for me. It is a difficult decision to make, but I must hope that Jeeves has given up on the whole crazy idea or that I can avoid Jeeves until after I've eaten. Meow for me.
The biggest problem I have with Jeeves is that rules seem to mean nothing. The way things are supposed to play out is simple, I behave in a manner I see fit and Jeeves gives me treats or fancy feast. Last night for instance, I was outside and Jeeves came calling, I guess trying to avoid the terror I mentioned in my earlier missive. Anyhow, I was sitting in the shadows and ignoring Jeeves as is my custom, when Jeeves went for the Tarter Treats. I didn't see them exactly, but I heard the bag rattle. Sensing the treat was in my future I shifted slightly so I was visible in the light from the back door. So anyway Jeeves stands there calling as though it is really expected I will come running. I will never understand this behavior, because I never come running when called but whatever. So I sat there and Jeeves came out and dragged me into the house. And, here's the unbelievable part, didn't give me any Tarter treats. It turned out the bag Jeeves had rattled contained some gross human food. I had been duped by a human. I may never live it down if anyone finds out. Next time I'll make sure I actually see the bag of treats before I reveal my presence.
Okay, I have had the worst experience any cat has ever had in the history of catdom. I was, I hope you're sitting down, left out half the night. Ok so I was left out 'til 9:35. You can say what you will, but for a refined cat like myself, 9:35 is like midnight. Oh the things I saw out there they would just curl your hair. I think I might have seen some of the hoodlum cats from the neighborhood. They come into my backyard at night. I usually see them through the window and I screech at them and stuff. I mean they are on my territory after all. But somehow without the glass between us they seemed a bit more dangerous. Traipsing around like they're the James Deans of the cat world. I was standing there by the door, basically helpless because I am not a violent kitty. But then I found my strength and I turned around, ready to take them on. They got closer and I put my claws out. And then Jeeves opened the door and picked me up and dragged me into the house. I was planning to fight them off. I was all ready to fight the good fight. Stupid Jeeves had to drag me into the house before I had the chance to defend myself. Jeeves always makes me look like a dumbass. Jeeves is the real dumbass. Oh the cats are at the door again, gotta go hiss at them.
So lately I've been trying to help Jeeves out. You see Jeeves is a bit lacking in style and panache. I feel for Jeeves I really do so I wanted to do something about it. The other night under the cover of darkness I went to the neighbor's yard and stole a sweater off the ground. I assume it had fallen from their clothesline or something. I brought it home and this morning I presented it to Jeeves nice as you please and Jeeves said something in that weird human language that sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher. Then this afternoon I saw Jeeves go over to the neighbor's house and give it back. Whatever, that's the last time I ever try to help Jeeves. Go blindly into the fashion night then, see if I care.
If you went to Italy, and you walked up to someone and said something like, "There is an elephant in your water glass," they would look at you like you were crazy. The stupid thing is that my owner Jeeves tries desperately to speak cat and of course fails miserably. Like the other day, for instance, I was speaking - I admit a bit irritably - to Jeeves about the fact that I was not receiving appropriate amounts of space directly in the middle of the bed.
So then out of nowhere Jeeves starts meowing. Now I don't know who Jeeves paid for the cat language instructions, but he was robbed. I assume he was trying to ask me what was wrong. Instead, he said and I have no idea why, "How many camels are there in a pack, and do camels travel in packs?" I have to tell you, Jeeves should really look into language schools because his current instructor isn't teaching him anything.
I think my owner may have crossed the line this time. Jeeves claimed that I had mange and used that as an excuse to cut a huge chuck of fur off just above my tale. I am so mad I could hiss. Do you have any idea what this will do to my ability to pick up chicks? Not only that I heard the neighbor cat calling me bald butt. Oh the felinity.
This deserves a well planned revenge. I will think it over for a long time and when I strike Jeeves will be least expecting it. Perhaps a well placed hairball. A bit of barf on the pillow or better yet inside one of Jeeves shoes. Meowhrmmm. No these seem too simple, this crime calls for a really good payback. I must think it over and not rush into anything. Oh I have to go, the neighbor cat has come back.
Pray for me.
Humans are good because of the whole feeding you thing, but they have some really annoying habits. Like my human for instance, doesn't speak a word of cat. Jeeves also unfortunately doesn't seem to understand cat either. This morning I was asking (very politely I thought) for some Fancy Feast cat food. What does the human do? Gives me that crappy dry stuff.
Okay so the dry stuff isn't that bad, but I was really in the mood for some Fancy Feast and if my human would learn to speak cat they would understand that. I mean how would they feel if they went into a human restaurant and ordered steak and were served meatloaf? Not very happy I think, and yet when I ask for Fancy Feast and get served dry food my human looks at me like they have just done something fabulous. It's really quite annoying.
I gotta tell you, this raising humans thing is pretty hard. I'm seriously thinking of moving to Athens, I hear that cats just live free on the streets there and don't have to deal with the foibles of a particular human day in and day out. Now that would be the life. The only problem is that I understand you have to take something called and airplane to get there and that doesn't sound realistic at all. A metal box that flies through the air. Please I'm a cat I'm not stupid.
I like throwing up. Well, maybe not throwing up, but I'm all for chucking up a hairball now and again. The great thing about hairballs or the throwing up thing, is that the human thinks you can't control it so they never yell at you for it. It's great. One time I threw up right in the middle of my human's bedroom floor and Jeeves stepped right in it. Of course I didn't get in trouble because the human thought I was sick.
The real fun is when you kind of lean over a human while they're sort of asleep and start making hacking noises. Man, they wake up super fast and it's so funny to see how fast they can get out of your way. My human once bolted out of bed from dead asleep in less than 15 seconds. Oh silly humans they have no idea how we fool them. I sometimes feel guilty because it's just too easy. Well, I have to go, I haven't eaten for almost fifteen minutes, I feel a bit peaked.
Ok, so I maybe could try to be nicer to my human, but what would all the other cat's say. I got this fancy new cat perch thing and it's really neat. The problem is, while I do like it, admitting I like it is completely out of the question. You know how it is with humans. You give them an inch and they take a mile. Just like that book about mice and cookies or something.
So I think I've done a pretty good job of pretending as though I detest the thing. Sometimes when Jeeves is gone, I'll smack the knotted rope thing around and stuff. I use the scratching post too. I still scratch the furniture though because Jeeves would notice if I stopped and probably think all the yelling had some effect. Please, it's all just like Charlie Brown's teachers to me.
Oh I gotta go. I see the one they call Evil Twin. I think he's sitting on my blanket. I have to go hiss at him. My life is so difficult. huhhhhhhhhh.
Today hasn't been a very good day for me. ever since my last trip to the doctor, I believe you humans refer to them as 'Vets', I have been instructed to lose some weight.
First of all I am not fat I am simply big boned. This sort of thing runs in my family. Okay, so I never met my family since I was ripped from my mothers paws at some such a young age. Do you feel sad for me yet.
Anyway, getting back to the real issue. I don't feel as though I need to lose weight. I am at a current weight that is acceptable for all the jobs required of me. True this only includes eating and sleeping, we cats have an easy learning curve. Still I think that my weight should be something that is only discussed with me. But no the Dr. had to have this discussion in front of my human. I mean how embarrassing.
The end result of course is that my human, who I call Jeeves since their basic purpose is to act as my butler, has now decided to feed me that crappy loose weight cat food that tastes like cardboard. I have such a hard life I think I need a nap.