Got Milk

It seems to me to be a staple of TV, for some reason mostly TV mid 80’s, the man who goes out for milk and never comes home. Hey ‘90’s too I guess because even the Simpson’s used it in an episode where they mentioned Nelson’s dad.  I also remember a movie with Pam Dawber where she falls in love with a homeless man who turns out to be someone who went out for a carton of milk and was brutally attacked by thugs and left for dead. In the ensuing amnesia, also a TV staple, he started working for Pam and became sort of a foster dad to her fatherless kid while ironically his own children were fatherless. Eventually he and Pam fell in love just in time for someone from his old life to see him and wreck everything.

I think this might have been a true story, but it seems so made for TV-ish it’s hard to tell. But, apparently going out for a carton of milk can be dangerous, at least in Australia. Although I think they’re just talking about car wrecks, not thugs and amnesia, still you never can tell. Maybe he/she didn’t desert you without a word, maybe they got in a car wreck or where carjacked by thugs. I have to say though that this is a bit unlikely in most instances.   

When you think about it, that’s the kind of thing that pretty much destroys any lingering ability to trust another person. Seriously how awful would you feel if your husband or wife went out for milk and never came home? I mean I would stop drinking milk altogether, that is if I could drink milk which I can’t but that’s another story entirely. If you ever got married again, wouldn’t you want to be the one to do all the shopping? “No honey it’s okay, I’ll get it in the morning,” or “No let’s go together to get the ____________.”

What is in that person’s head? I mean do they plan to leave and they say, “I’m going to go get some… uh… milk… yeah that’s it milk.” Or are they just in the car and they’re driving along and they come to a stoplight and a left turn goes to the store and a right turn goes to the freeway, and they just turn right? Seriously, how do you do that? I need 2 carry-ons just to spend a weekend in Las Vegas. I wonder if this is why it seems like more men do this than women? Really, think about it. I truly believe that if society didn’t frown upon it, a guy could wear the same clothes four days in a row without being bothered by it. 

When I was in Ireland a few years ago, I remember reading this story about a guy who went to the store and didn’t come back for three days. Apparently on the way to the store he ran into his mates who wanted him to go out of town to see a rugby match. He knew his wife would say no, so he just left with them straightaway (UK-English for right now). For two days she was worried sick. On day 3 she happened to have the rugby match on and saw him on camera behaving like a drunken ass. This is an apt description I’m sure because face it he probably was drunk and anyone who’d pull a stunt like that really is an ass.

 The most unbelievable part of the story is that he came home and his wife was like, ‘ok you’re back.’ What kind of message does that send to her kids? ‘Yep, your Da can do whatever he wants and I’m a doormat.’ I think if I  had a husband, and he did that; he’d be sleeping on other people’s couches for a while. ‘Your father and I aren’t getting along because he’s a big fat dumbass, so he’s staying with friends.’

As if humiliation in her little town wasn’t enough for some reason she agreed to the news article so the whole country got to know what an obnoxious passive–aggressive jerk she married. Can you imagine that? Every time someone says, ‘you look familiar’ you’d have to reply something like, ‘Yep, I’m the chick who’s husband ditched her without warning for three days to go to a rugby match. Great joke on me wasn’t it. Bully for him’ (UK-English I think, meaning good for him).

Does this really happen though? Do people really go out to the store and never come home? If they do show up again 5 years later, is the first question you ask, ‘Where’s the milk?’ I mean if they were gone for 5 years, they had better have brought some pretty great milk home. I mean hell in that time they could have bought a dairy farm and milked the cows themselves. They probably could even have made cheese and ice cream. 

I bet when they do show up, they’ve totally forgotten about the milk, so that’s one more mark against them. I can just see the way fights would go. Leaver, ‘Why didn’t you turn off the light in the kitchen you know the electric bill has been outrageous?’ to which leavee replies ‘Why didn’t you bring the milk when you finally showed up. I mean I really wanted cereal.’ Or, ‘You left the cap off the toothpaste again,’ Leaver says. To which leavee replies, ‘You ran out on me and returned 5 years later without the milk you went out to get.’

 If the one you left has a dog or cat, be prepared to sleep on the edge of the bed forever. Leaver, ‘Can’t the dog sleep on the floor?’ Leavee, ‘Well I wouldn’t want to do that to such a loyal dedicated animal. After all, he’s been here with me the whole time. I mean he didn’t, say…. go out for milk and return five years later or anything.’ If it’s a really big dog be prepared to get less sleep, probably much less.

Face it if you’re the one who did the leaving there will never again be an argument in that relationship you can win. Leaver ‘You left dirty dishes in the sink,’ leavee, ‘You went out for milk and returned 5 years later.’ See if you were the leaver here you’re pretty much screwed. Anything the leavee does to you over the remainder of the relationship will never be as bad as the going out for milk/not returning thing. Guess you should’ve thought of that before you turned right onto the freeway instead of left into the parking lot.


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