June 30 - I was in the Post Office today and I got to wondering, What does someone on the FBI's Most Wanted List do when they have to mail a package? Since they have those lists complete with pictures posted there, wouldn't it be kinda difficult? I mean you can't use a mailbox for packages anymore. What if it's like their mom's birthday or something? You have to send your mom a birthday present. Do they wear a disguise or do they just figure that the people who work in the Post Office don't really look at the pictures. Maybe they just send gift certificates.
June 27 - I was out running errands today and I see this sign in the window of a house that says: Psychic - will tell you your past present and future. Who does she work with, people with amnesia? I mean I don't know about you, but I think it would be kind of a waste of time to pay some lady to tell me about my past and present. Unless I lose my memory, and then I'm totally calling her.
June 26 - If one year is like seven dog years then it's no wonder a dog is so happy to see you at the end of the day. I mean that's like a whole week of their life you missed.
**June 25 - This Vampire is walking along the street and out of nowhere fruit salad falls from the sky and hits him in the head. He shakes it off and keeps walking. A few feet farther along out of nowhere he gets hit by macaroni and cheese. He wipes it off and then a ham comes barreling down and hits him in the head, knocking him to the ground.
Damn it! he says to himself, It's Buffet the Vampire Slayer.
June 24 - I think they should come up with a reality TV show, called The Interview. They can take fifteen people an episode and make them wait a long time. Then bring them into a small unairconditioned room one at a time and ask them inane questions, like; Where do you plan to be in five years? (On a deserted island I purchased with the money I will embezzle from you). Or What is your biggest weakness? (I tell annoying people what I think of them you jerk.) until they go insane. The last person who can still remember their name and the fact that they live somewhere other than The Land of Oz, gets a minimum wage job in the mailroom in a company in Iraq. I'm telling you, this will be a ratings jackpot in the new economy. You'd have more people lined up to audition then American Idol.
**June 23 - What do you call a dog sitting in the sun.
A Hot Dog
June 20 - I wonder if Walt Disney was alive today he would be disappointed to find out that the future wasn't completely in blue and yellow. I remember going to Disneyland when I was a kid and thinking that I hoped he was wrong about the future because I look awful in yellow and polyester irritates my skin. Of course looking at the new Tommorowland, it would appear the future is expected to contain mostly items of a burnished gold color. Oh well at least it's better than yellow.
June 19 - This guy walks into a bar - (drum roll please)
and says ouch.
June 18 - Knock Knock
Banana. (repeat about 10 times or more if you really want to annoy.)
Orange you glad I didn't say banana.
(this is a really good joke to tell people who work for you. It's fun to see them try to muster up a courtesy laugh.)
June 17 - Wouldn't it be awful if you made it all the way up to heaven and while you were waiting for your turn to see St. Peter, you had a total attack of 'Line Rage' (closely related to road rage, most often seen in Post Offices and or Banks). So anyway you start screaming and pushing and shoving and you totally blow it. I mean you lived your whole life so you could get there and then you get mad because the guy in the front of the line keeps talking about growing sunflower seeds during the depression. Now that's just sad.
June 16 - Have you ever noticed how newscasters manage to act all excited about the stupidest things. "Earlier today we watched paint dry. There were some tense moments when we thought it might drip, but then everything turned out okay." Then the lady newscaster says something corny like. "It's a heartwarming story and we can all sleep a little better tonight." The really annoying thing is everybody buys it. When I say stuff like that I get smacked for being a smartass.
June 13 - Knock Knock
Why are you crying?
June 12 - Ask me if I'm an Aardvark.
Are you an Aardvark?
No (Maybe you had to be there)
June 11 - Wouldn't it be
funny if they merged the real world from MTV with that Frontier house
show on PBS. Instead of sending 7 annoying brats to live in a luxury
house you could drop them in the middle of nowhere and force them to
build their own house. Instead of fighting over the hot guy at the
bar the girls will get into a huge catfight over who used all the leaves
at the outhouse.
Of course MTV would never go for it because no one would hook up since the girls would ignore the guys because they would all smell bad.
Duane the bathtub I'm dwowning.