Knock Knock November 

 

November 24 - In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said "Yeh," and Woman said, "and another one with sprinkles."  And they gained 10 pounds.  And the stockholders were very happy.  And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.  Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them.  And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side.

And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." 

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.   Hilltop Steak House thrived!  And man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said "it is good." 

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds. 

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.  And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. 

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them.  And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double  cheeseburger. Then said "You want  fries with that?"  And Man replied, "Yeh!  And super size 'em." And Satan said "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs. 

 

November 17 - Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." 

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." 

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours, but don't worry - we still have one engine left." 

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

 

November 10 -The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. 

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?" 

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands." 

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?" 

"Stay the heck away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking."

 

November 3 - One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. 

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" 

"Lying on the floor over by the holy water," said the boy.

 

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