Knock Knock August

August 25 - A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary hospital. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, " I'm so  sorry, Polly has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be
in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room returning a few moments later with beautiful black Labrador. As the bird's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the  dead parrot from top to bottom. He then looked at
 the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet led the dog out but returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and also sniffed delicately at the ex-bird. The cat sat back, shook its head,  meowed and ran out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry; but like I said, your parrot is most definitely, 100%, certifiably... dead." He then turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.

The parrot's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried "$150 just to tell me my bird is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would only have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan....... What did you expect?"


August 22 - This isn't really a joke, but it's kinda interesting to try. 

Why does this happen? While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot. While doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.


August 21 - Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells, "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."


August 20 - I saw this somewhere on the Internet and it made me smile.

If a policeman arrests a mime, does he have to read him his right to remain silent?


August 19 - Q: Why are frogs so happy? 

A: They eat whatever bugs them!


August 18 - It always cracks me up that companies send you spam offering software that blocks spam so in essence they're trying to sell you something that will keep them from trying to sell you stuff. 


August 15 - Q: Where do monkeys pick up wild rumors? 

A: Over the apevine.


August 14 - Q: How many MicroSoft tech support people dies it take to change a light bulb? 

A: Four: One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?" One to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?" Another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" And the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."


August 13 - A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards. The dog was playing with extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented. 

"Not so smart," said one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."


August 12 - A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day. 

"Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," asked the reporter. 

"Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer. "And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women." 

Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit. 

"What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter. 

Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!"


August 11 - The duck went into the drug store and bought some Chapstick. The clerk said, how are you going to pay for this. The duck said, "Put it on my bill."


August 8 - I heard this one today and it made me smile.

Last night I dreamed I was a muffler - I woke up exhausted.


August 7 - The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but nobody could do it. 

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice 'I`d like to try the bet.' 

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowds' laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man 'What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?' 

The man replied 'Actually, I work for the IRS.'


**August 6 - A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly A brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The Driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses And YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, “ If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one ? “

 

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a slave to fashion, then looks At his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

 

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feed to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL Database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Leaser Jet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says,  

“You have exactly 1586 sheep.”

 

"That's right. Well I guess you can take one of my sheep.” Says the shepherd.

 

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

 

Then the shepherd says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is will you give me back my sheep?”

 

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”

 

You’re a consultant.” says the shepherd.

 

“Wow! That’s correct says the slave to fashion, “But how did you guess that?”

 

“No guessing required.” answered the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; To a question I never asked; and you don’t know crap about my business.”

 

 

…. Now give me back my Dog.


 

August 5 - Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to Heaven?" 

The man said, "I do Father." 

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to Heaven?" 

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to Heaven?" 

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." 

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to Heaven?" 

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


August 4 - A man walks into a bar with a little salamander-looking creature in his hand. 

The barkeep looks at the creature and asks the man
what he calls it.
 

"Tiny" replies the man.

"Why's that?" asks the barkeep.

"Because he's my newt!"


August 1 - An Irishman had had a few pints one night and was stopped by his local constable while driving.

 "Sean", the officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you that your wife fell out of your car a few miles back". 

Sean started sobbing and said, "Oh thank you, thank you, Officer. I was afraid I'd done gone deaf!!"

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