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Jokes from July

 

July 31 - Two men were talking one day and one said to the other, "You should stop smoking. You know my uncle smoked two packs a day and he died at 38."

The other man asked, "Was it cancer?"

"No," his friend replied. "He was hit by a truck."


July 30 - A redhead walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. She sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The redhead turns to the blonde and says, "You know, I bet he'll jump.
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
                  The redhead placed $20 dollars on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to the redhead and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
The redhead replies, "Honey, I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."


July 29 - Okay so this isn't really a joke - Or is it? Disney is now making the Haunted Mansion Movie, complete with the scary medium chick in the crystal ball. I know it's tough to come up with new ideas and all, but what's next, The waiting in line movie? 

(I admit that joke wasn't mine. I got it from David Letterman. I offer him my thanks because I said it in the theater after the Haunted Mansion Movie preview and before the Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and got a laugh from the people I was with. And before you yell at me there where no other people around us to be bothered by my smartass comments.)


July 28 - There was a couple who had been married for many years.  Throughout the years the wife had a box that she kept in her room. Her husband asked often if he could see what was in the box, but his wife always refused.  Sadly, one day the woman became ill. Finally it became apparent that she wouldn't make it and she asked her husband to bring her the box.  Her husband was very excited to see inside the box because he had wondered for years what it contained. When he opened the box he was surprised to see it contained two crocheted placemats and about $20,000 in cash. 

The man went to his wife and asked her where the placemats and the money came from. 'Well,' she replied, 'when we married my aunt told me that every time I got angry at you I should crochet a placemat.' Now the husband was deeply touched that during their whole marriage his wife had only been angry at him twice. So then he asked her, 'but dear where did the money come from.' His wife replied, 'Oh, I made that selling the placemats.'


July 25 - Sorry no joke today. I went to see (gasp) Pirates of the Caribbean and I'm too tired now to find a good joke. I promise tomorrow's joke will be really really super duper funny. Like laugh till  you cry funny. Okay maybe not that funny, but really funny, Well I'll do my best.


July 24 - Q: What's the name of a cow that doesn't give milk?

A: A Milk Dud

This joke was on my prize in a Cracker Jack bag today. It was a pretty lame prize. Remember in "Breakfast at Tiffany's" how he got such a good prize in his Cracker Jack box that Tiffany's could actually engrave it. Plus Cracker Jacks don't even come in a box anymore. How lame.


July 23 -   Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with an Irish setter he doted on. The dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest. 

"Father, me dog is dead," he said. "Could you be saying a Mass for the creature?" 

Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road. No telling what they believe. Maybe they can be doin' something for ya." 

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do ya think a couple o' thousand is enough to donate for the service?" 

Father Patrick placed a hand on Muldoon's forearm. "Lord's sake, man, why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"


July 22 - Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A: A nervous wreck.


July - 21  A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... 

 Officer: What's 2+2? 

Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! 

Officer: What's the square root of 100? 

Blonde: Ummmm... 10! 

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? 

Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. 

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. 

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"


July 18 - Q: Why do the children of mimes behave so badly?

A: Because they know that no matter what they do they won't get yelled at.

(On a side note, I worked with this girl once and she was the most annoying person I had ever met. I couldn't figure out what is was about her, she was just really annoying. Then one day her dad stopped by the restaurant to visit and it turned out he was a mime. Wow that explained a lot.)


July 17 - Q: How many Frenchmen does it take to change a light bulb? 

A: One. He holds the bulb and wants all of Europe to revolve around him.


July 16 - Q: How do you get a web designer off your porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza.


July 15 - If girl cats are obnoxious to each other, do they call it being human-y? 


July 14 - I always think it's funny when these guys who think they're super suave go on Judge Judy and they try to win based on their charm alone. How stupid are these people? I mean have they never watched the show? "Well Judge you see I left the receipts at home, but you're looking foxy today." (Okay so I made that up, but you get the point).


July 11 - Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter says that he doesn't know what to do with him so he gives him the opportunity to spend a day in hell and one in heaven. So Bill goes down to hell and it's fabulous.  The next day he goes to heaven and hangs out. It's nice and all, but not quite the swinging party hell was. 

So Bill goes up to St. Peter and says I like heaven and all, but I choose hell. So St. Peter says okay and sends him down to hell. When he gets there he's shocked to see hell is not the fabulous place it was. So he finds the devil and he asks him what the deal is, and the devil says........ That was just a prototype, this is the real thing.


July 10 - This guy moves to a new neighborhood and he goes into the corner bar and orders 3 beers. The bartender lays them out in front of him and one by one, with a small amount of contemplation the man drinks the beers. Finally after a few months of this the bartender decides to ask what the deal is. So he says to the guy, "Paddy, why do you order 3 beers every Friday night all at once?"  

"Well," Paddy said, "My two brothers and I are separated by many miles now and so we made a pledge that once a week we will each go into a bar and order three beers, one for each of us, and drink them and think of each other so it will almost be like we're drinking together."

Well the bartender was impressed by this, and as the weeks went on he always got a smile from the thought. Then one day Paddy came into the bar and he ordered 2 beers instead of his usual 3.  The bartender was concerned. He said to Paddy, "Why only 2 tonight Paddy, did something happen to one of your brothers?"

"No," Paddy replied, "They're both doing fine. I just ordered the 2 beers tonight because I gave up beer for lent."


July 9 - Q: What do you call a small dog shuffling through melting snow?

A: A Slush Puppy.   


July 8 - This is a true story from my dad's youth. There was this man named Tom who would go to the pub every Friday. Each night on his way home he would pass an old dead tree. One night he admitted to his friends that he saw a ghost at that tree every night when he passed. 

Thinking they would play a good joke a few of his friends left the pub early the next Friday and one of them dressed up in white and climbed up in the dead tree to await their friend's arrival. They had been there almost an hour and were ready to give up when they finally saw Tom. The man who was dressed up climbed into the tree and his friends hid on the side of the road. 

So Tom comes walking up the road and he glances up at the tree and pauses in amazement. His friends are trying not to laugh thinking they have played a great joke, when Tom opens his mouth and says, "Oh wonderful my dear I see you brought your husband with you tonight."

Apparently the man in the tree broke all land speed records getting away from there.


July 7 - Two bears under a waterfall, the first bear says pass the soap, the second bear says, no soap radio.


July 3 - These two strings walk into a bar and the bartender says, 'I don't serve strings.' So one of the strings left the bar and he twisted and turned and finally managed to tie himself into a knot. So he goes back into the bar and tries again to order a drink. The bartender looks at him and says 'I told you I don't serve strings, and you are obviously a string.' The string looked at him and said 'nope, I'm a frayed not.'


July 2 - Why do people always say they'd like to be a fly on the wall somewhere? I would never want to be a fly. They land on garbage and stuff. Why don't people just say, 'I'm really nosy and I wish I knew what they where talking about'. Why'd that whole fly thing catch on anyway? Why not say something like 'I wish I was a rug on the floor or a chair in that room'. Or what about wallpaper on the wall? I think I'm gonna start saying that and see how long it takes to catch on. 


**July 1 - So I was standing in my kitchen today and I heard the ice cream man go by. It took me a minute before I realized that his little truck was playing La Cucaracha. Think about it. How excited would you be about buying food from a man in a truck playing a song about cockroaches running up and down the walls?

 

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