Did I Settle

 

 So I know that being an adult is all about trade-offs. Sometimes the dreams you thought would become reality never turn out to be anything more than a daydream during  particularly hellish workday. I understand that we have to support ourselves and that being a grown up doesn't always mean getting what you want, sometimes it means not getting it. I logically understand all of those things are true. But if I understand that, why do I feel like such a sell-out?

I guess everybody has dreams of what will be. Maybe not even dreams as much as has vague expectations of how the world will be, how their world will be. You assume you'll grow up get some amazing job, meet an amazing person and buy a home in some amazing place where you can walk to the beach every day. I think that's what happened to me. I assumed all of these things and with each passing year I am forced to reevaluate what is supposed to be important.

I won't be young forever, ok some might argue I'm not young anymore. I have responsibilities, I have to think about the future. Put money into a 401K, think about investments.  Does that mean admitting that dreams should be forgotten and reality accepted.

I was out of work for a long time. That's where kickmeimdown came from. It was born out of desperation and hopelessness. It was  way to laugh at things that weren't funny. Now I have a job, with health care and vacation days and deadlines and stress and I feel like I'm in the exact same place, just better paid. I never wanted this, but as the days go on I find myself appreciating it, accepting it. At the same time I can't seem to shake that nagging sense that there should be more than this. The feeling that I'm not a person who can do this for the rest of my life and the fear that maybe I am.

 

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