Knock Knock June
28 - A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes
his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking
around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint
of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."
A farmer got pulled
over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper
started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in
general began to throw his weight around to try to make
the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket,
and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that
were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies
there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey... wait a
minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect
for law enforcement and police officers to even think about
calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
The farmer watches him write for a while, then says, "Hard to fool them flies though."
14 - A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to
tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him,
and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something
really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
7 - Satan was complaining bitterly to God, "You made the
world so that it was not fair, and you made it so that
most people would have to struggle every day, fight
against their innate wishes and desires, and deal with
all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes.
Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get
arrested, and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even
when it is not my fault. Sure, I'm evil, but give me a
break. Can't you do something to make them stop blaming
And so God created lawyers.
1 - Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly
stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."