Knock Knock April
April 26 - As
migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the
trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.
When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.
"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."
April 19 - A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents."
12 - A man who lives alone gets lonely without anyone to talk to so he
decides he'll get a parrot for company. Unfortunately the parrot he gets
is fully grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude. The man tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example.
Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, he put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.
The man was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto his extended arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."
The man was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
5 - A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"